Jane's Surrender (Hard World Tour) Page 15
“I know you’re here,” she said in her melodic, soft voice that was slightly raspy, as though she was keeping tears at bay or had cried some before. Her words made me pause, because usually when I was in close proximity to her, she had a rigid back, and she couldn't wait to get away from me.
“And you are still here? Shocking,” I teased, and her chuckle sounded real, but she still had her back to me, and this wouldn't do. I wanted to see those damn expressive eyes of hers, and get to know what the hell was going on inside her pretty head. I walked around and stood at the end of the piano in front of her, leaning on the lid prop, where my eyes held hers. They were slightly red, but still strikingly beautiful. Like milky chocolate. But they were a bit sad, even though a twinkle of humor was playing in them.
“I figured I’ll give you a break.” My mouth lifted in a smile, but then she changed the subject abruptly.
“Do you think it’s the right thing? What will happen with our marriage?” Wasn't that the million-dollar question? “You promised me a divorce, and now you are using Logan’s situation—” Of course, she would reach that conclusion.
“Jane, I promised you a divorce at the end of the tour, and I meant it. Even though it’s the last thing I want, I’ll give it to you if that’s really what you want.” My voice became softer, and something like remorse flashed in her eyes. “But this situation with Hope is serious, and I wouldn't forgive myself if we didn't take care of her. There are no other candidates—”
“What about Jimmy and Meg? They’ve been married for like ten years and have four kids.” She was talking about one of Logan’s former band members, who used to be his best friend until his addiction. “She is a sweetheart. I’m sure they wouldn't have minded another kid.” My innocent-in-so-many-ways angel really had no idea about people.
“Jimmy cheated on Meg a few years back.” Her eyes widened, and I continued, “It was at one of Logan’s parties. Jimmy got high, and next thing he knew, he woke up with a woman. Meg took the kids away, but then decided to come back. Only if Logan was out of the band.”
“And they agreed to this just like that?” She snapped her fingers, and there was annoyance in her voice, probably justified. Even though Bella had issues, they never gave up on her and fought for her. Plus, when you were a band, you shared a special bond that no one was supposed to break. “I mean I get it she was angry, but it wasn’t like Logan put Jimmy’s dick into another woman.” I had to raise my brows at her words, because she rarely swore or said inappropriate things.
At least in front of me.
Shy biker chick.
How was it possible not to love her? No wonder I was a smitten fool when it came to her.
Her eyes held a question, and I understood I zoned out to my thoughts a bit too long and seemed like I was ignoring her.
Couldn't have that.
“Logan was going off the rails. He didn't show up for rehearsals, with constant alcohol, drugs, and sex; he wasn't good to perform and got in fights with the press. The band was having a hard time, and Jimmy’s incident was the last straw. Not to mention Jimmy was a front vocalist. The choice between him and Logan was pretty much predictable.” Not that I agreed with it. With all the talk about how Death Riders were childhood friends and how they all gave up on Logan and didn't give two shits about him, it didn't really speak friends in my book.
“No one is more valuable than the other in music. We are all part of something bigger.” Her eyes flashed in anger, but then she was back to the subject that started it all. “Still, they were good people, right? Wouldn't they want to help the kid?”
“They refused; they were our first choice. But Jane, Logan will make it, and we just have to keep an eye on her for a little while. You’ll be free of me.” Part of me fucking hurt, because she wanted to get away from me that much, but I couldn't hold her forever. I understood she wasn't in love with me, but she didn't even give me a chance to woo her.
“Where will we live?”
“I have a house in Montana, near the ranch of Ariel’s parents actually.” Her eyes widened in surprise. “After the tour is done, we can go there and wait ‘til Logan gets better. Then we can have the divorce you wish for so much. But Hope…I can’t lose her. He used to be one of my closest friends.” And I would be damned if I let his daughter live with someone else.
She was silent for a moment, looked down on her keyboard, and ran her fingers above it without making a push to make sound. Finally, she raised her eyes to me, and a decision was evident in them.
“Okay. But we still have a month of the tour.” She licked her dry lips and I wanted to moan in frustration, because that sure sent a fucking signal to my dick. “We need to buy diapers and all that. And I have no idea how to care for the baby either.” Now she was close to panic, and without thinking, I grabbed the hand she had above the piano on the edge, making her body tense.
Which happened every time I touched her.
“Everything will be ready by the time we get home. I have no idea how to raise a kid either, just how to be one.” I chuckled, but she still didn't relax.
“We need to read books about it.”
My thumb caressed her wrist slowly, and it was heaven to touch her soft skin.
“I doubt it’s gonna be any help. Maybe we should ask Marie to come live with us,” I suggested. She was Ryan’s housekeeper and worshiped the ground he walked on. The woman was sweet and damn strict when she wanted to be. She would be perfect to have around with the baby in the house.
“Yeah right, like that’s going to happen.” She finally smiled then took her hand carefully away from my grip. “Although, I do admit having her would be a huge help.” We fell silent, and the familiar tension was starting to envelop us. I knew it was time to leave her to what she was doing and stop crowding her space.
It sucked that the woman I loved wanted to be away from me as much as possible, but if that was what she wanted, she would get it.
“I have to go. We have a session with Bella soon, and then I have a Skype consultation as well.” It didn't escape my notice how her eyes closed in relief, and I just shook my head. I leaned back, and with a last glance at her, I went to the door and prayed for more patience with her. The time to win her over was slipping through my fingers and killing me slowly.
“I’m sorry,” she suddenly said, and I stopped and turned around with a frown. She stood up and came closer to me, a guilty expression on her face. She fidgeted with her hands and looked anywhere but at me. “I shouldn't have agreed to our marriage in the first place. I knew that…that I…” She was going to say it and I would let her. That fucking elephant in the room needed to be addressed. “When I was in love with someone else and knew that what we had would never be more than a fling. I was just so overwhelmed with everything we did. For a moment, it felt so…so…”
“Real?” My voice was low and emotionless. There was no point in making her feel guiltier than she already was.
“Yes. Real. Then, the next morning, everything I did crashed down on me and I needed to get away. I’m sorry. That was a bad move, and ignoring you these years as though nothing happened wasn't good either. It wasn't mature, and it was bitchy. I’m so sorry, Drake,” she finished softly, quietly, and finally looked me in the eyes.
Fuck.
It hurt. Yeah, maybe I was a sap for admitting it, but she finally said it. That she loved someone else, and the realization of being with me crushed her at some point. She never said it so freely, and maybe there was hope.
I wanted to laugh at myself. I was a fucking psychologist. I should have known better than anyone that she wasn’t into me.
It wasn't me she seemed to want to see in the room; it wasn't me who made her smile and relax; it wasn't me who made her create her beautiful music, and she was finally telling me this.
I raised my hand and gently touched her chin, lifted it up, and caressed her cheek with my thumb.
“Don’t be sorry, sweetheart. I was there all the way wit
h you, and although you consider our marriage the worst decision ever, for me it was the best thing I’ve ever done.” I leaned down and gave her a soft peck on the lips then rested my forehead on hers. I could smell her light scent of roses and chocolate and feel her soft breath on my neck. “If that’s what you want, I’ll set you free. We can take care of Hope, but I won’t make any more moves or make you feel uncomfortable.” I kissed her on the forehead, lingering my lips there, and then closed my eyes for a second to enjoy and remember this moment.
I was letting my girl go, and fuck, if it wasn't hard.
But it was what she wanted.
And from me she would always get it.
I took a step back and smiled. She looked lost and unsure, and without another word, I left the studio.
I took the phone from my pocket. Dialing the number felt odd; it wasn't like we were best friends, but right now, he was the only one who would understand how I felt.
“Hello?” The voice was gruff on other end of the line, and surprised.
“Ryan, I need to get drunk tonight.” There was silence for a second, and then he took a deep breath.
“I’m sorry, man. You finally let her go?”
“Yes.”
“I take it Jeremy is not invited.”
His name made me want to punch something, although I knew he did nothing to encourage it, and his head was with his girl. Plus, he was a good guy. Still, he was the guy who my girl loved. And that made him the last fucking person I wanted to hang out with right now.
“No.”
“Got it, brother. Meet me at the bar after you are done with Bella.”
I hung up on him, and tried to understand how I would survive the next few months.
If you love someone, set them free.
Looked like she wasn’t mine after all, because I seriously doubted she would come back to me.
Jane
Although I planned for a long time to apologize to him for everything that went wrong two years ago, I didn't feel better.
In fact, it made me feel like shit.
The mood to create music was gone, and it wasn't like I had to ride myself hard for that anyway. We had a new album to promote, and after that, we would have a much-needed break. I hardly doubted Ariel would be in condition for tours with her pregnancy and the first months of the baby’s life.
I closed the piano lid at the same time the door opened again. I tensed inside, because as much as it was a big relief having said everything to Drake, for him to show up again and maybe to have questions for me was the last thing my body and mind needed.
“All done?” Ariel’s soft voice called and I smiled. Of course, she would be the other one they would send after me. Spinning around on the seat, I glanced at her and patted for her to come sit. She ran quickly and sat down. We were quiet for a moment.
“So you are going to be a mama, huh?” My saying it still felt unreal, because although she used to be the romantic, she was the last person I imagined getting pregnant at such a young age.
“Yeah.” She gently caressed her lower stomach. “What did you decide about Hope?” Some kind of longing was in her voice. I raised my brows at that, and she blushed. “Come on, you know me and kids. It’s impossible not to love them. I would help, you know.” She meant it. Whenever we went somewhere kids were present, she was all over them. Her face lit up. She played with them, and I suspected even my kids would have a favorite when it comes to aunts.
My kids?
Yeah, definitely not something I wanted to think about right now.
“Ariel, we’ll help her.” She smiled broadly, so her smack on the back of my head came out of the blue. “What the hell, Ariel?” It hurt a bit too, my poor head. I patted the place gently, wincing.
“I heard you.”
“So you smacked me, because I said we would take care of Hope?” Shit, was this what pregnancy hormones did to a person? One minute sweet, and then freaking crazy. If it was the case, I wasn't really looking forward to all those months of Ariel’s tantrums. She was already the most emotional of all of us; this was like starting World War Three.
“Not this, stupid.” She rolled her eyes then looked at me with accusation in her eyes. “I heard what you said to Drake.”
“Oh.” My hands were much more interesting to look at than her face, and that was part of the problem. They all loved the guy and thought he should have a chance. “It was the right thing to do.” Not that it explained why suddenly my chest hurt when he left without a backward glance, but there it was.
“No, it was a stupid thing to do. Look, Jane, we all know you have a thing for Jeremy.” Way to bring back the tension. Although I was aware they knew about my crush, we never discussed it apart from that big fight back at Ryan’s ranch. It wasn't as if I wanted him anymore. I had no doubt he and Sam belonged to each other. Actually, there was never a doubt, and I never thought I had a chance to begin with.
“Don’t. He has nothing to do with it.”
“He has everything to do with it. You keep thinking you’re in love with him while pushing a perfectly good guy away. I mean come on, sis! He sent you flowers, chocolates, and brings you your favorite drinks and food. He made sure you had plenty of blankets and everything this month. Then he got you Sparky, and I love that dog. Who does that, anyway? You just kept pushing him away, and he tried so hard to woo you. What more do you want?” Was there anger in her voice?
“Ariel, he says he is in love with me, okay? And I don’t love him.”
“Because you love Jer?”
This was ridiculous, and I couldn't sit still any longer. I stood up and went near the window.
“Yes, because of that.” There was a moment of silence then Ariel exhaled a heavy breath.
“Jane, do you have any hope of being with Jer? Like ever?”
That made me frown. “No, he’s in love with Sam. I mean even a blind person can see they are it for each other.”
“But you always knew that, right?”
“Yes.” That moment in his office all those years ago was hard to forget.
“So you are in love with a guy who would never be yours?” When she put it that way, it did sound stupid.
“Well, I didn’t think he would never be mine when I fell in love with him, but yeah, that sums it up.” She nodded and then started laughing, confusing the hell of me. “What’s so funny about it?”
“You,” she said, and then kept on laughing as though I just told her some hilarious joke.
“I don’t really get your sense of humor right now, mermaid.”
“She means you’re not in love with Jer. I mean, maybe you found him attractive; he is fucking hot after all, but you’re not in love with him,” Sam’s amused voice said from the doorway, and behind her, Bella was nodding in agreement.
Well, shit.
The thing was that Sam wasn't exactly the person I wanted to talk about this shit to, and she must had seen my emotions on my face, because she just shrugged.
“We gotta talk about it.” That was it? We gotta talk about it?
My best friends were a bunch of weirdos, but I loved them for it. They joined Ariel on the bench, squeezing all in, and gave me a patient look.
“Is this some kind of intervention?” With me standing in front of them, it sure looked like it.
“Well, hell yeah. We’re going to talk, and you’ll listen.” Bella jabbed her finger at me, and there was no choice but to nod.
“Who goes first?” Now it was amusing even to me.
Ariel opened her mouth to reply, but Sam stopped her. “I’ll go first. So you always knew Jer had a thing for me, right? Even before me?”
“Yes.” Shit, this was uncomfortable.
“And you were nothing but supportive?”
“Well, there was this moment of stupidity where I asked you to not be with him. I thought you didn’t want him like that, and that was lame. Sorry, babe.” Not to mention a break down I had at the ranch over all this shit.
“Right, which I broke, by the way, because he was too hard to resist. So let’s get this uncomfortable crap behind us, okay?”
“Sure.” Seriously, gladly, because sometimes I was still hesitant to say anything to her and there was an aura of uneasiness around us.
“Jane, why do you think you’re in love with him?” she continued, and that made me blush.
“Because when I saw him, I felt it.”
She nodded. “But then, at the same moment, you knew he wanted me?”
“Yes, you walked in, remember?”
She shook her head with a laugh. “Not really, but okay. Babe, you aren’t in love with Jer. You’re in love with the idea of a white knight.”
“What?” I gasped. Bella raised her index finger and pressed it to her lips, so it shut me up.
“The thing is you always dreamed of a white knight who would come and sweep you off your feet. All those damn romances of yours,” Ariel stated, and the girls nodded, supporting her point. I freaking didn't agree. There was nothing wrong with my choice of fiction. “None of the other guys caught your attention, and you weren't interested in that. Then in came Jeremy in all his hotness.” Sam just chuckled, though she wasn't that amused if the look in her eyes was anything to go by. “But the point is he was unavailable, and you knew it.”
“I don’t think I understand your point.” Maybe I was just slow.
“What she means, babe, is you chose to crush on him for so long, only because you knew he would never be yours,” Bella finally spoke up. “Look, I’m not saying you didn’t crush on him or anything. He’s hot, although I agree with Ariel, gross, and he is a good guy. But the reason you made this an epic love, the one and only you dreamed about, was because he was unavailable.”
“That’s just—”
“And then Drake came into your life,” Ariel interrupted me. “And what does he do? Like in the fucking romance novels, he falls in love with you instantly, wants forever, tries to win you over, and is just there, but you refuse him flat out. Babe, he is your knight, but you don’t want to see it.”